What my mother couldn’t prepare me to expect in life
For all the days I feel I have healed from losing my youngest son, I have mornings when I first awake that takes me back to another time. With images flowing like a river through my mind, I see his beautiful face. I can hear his laughter. I remember his warm embrace. I feel a bit lost once again that I am seeing a memory that will never be seen outside my mind. I have a conflict within myself on these days and in these moments.
My heart longs for the solace that cannot be given in a physical comforting way. The joy that came into my life on the day of my youngest son’s physical birth will be forever cherished. The day he left will also cast a shadow over my world. I want to believe I have overcome the dark days. The months of self imposed isolation, as my world no longer made sense. These moments do not often overtake me. But when the shadow appears, I am lost once again. I ask useless, unanswerable questions. Why him? Why us? Why me?
For all the days I reach out to other mothers on this journey of child loss to help heal, I have moments that define me as a grieving mother.
‘I have been held back in chains of pain. I felt these straps of torture upon my soul’
This is not an excerpt from a book. This is a statement of the torture to my heart. I became a prisoner to my grief. It became necessary to free myself and yet I will never be completely free. The duality of a life with child loss is the before and after effect imprinted upon our soul.
The price of passage on this journey is beyond any collectable debt. The remainder of our life is often measured against overcoming or succumbing to this loss. We are eternal souls living in a physical body with physical boundaries. Worse yet are the physical misunderstandings or misperceptions of our true nature.
Healing occurs when we connect with our spiritual side. We have to go within our own soul as we search for peace and understanding. Healing from child loss is unique for every parent. Regardless of the most enlightened souls to walk this earth, child loss grief can threaten every aspect of our life for an indeterminable time.
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