I don’t have a date when I wrote this letter to my youngest son in heaven. It was soon after I lost him. I turned to writing to express my inner turmoil. This would have been written around June 2011 approximately.
My heart breaks knowing I will not see you again. I pray for the pain and I can feel the loss. Missing you will always be a part of me. This pain is intolerable. It stops my breath. My eyes flow with tears and the pain continues to curse through my body without relief. My beautiful lovely son, I can see you so clearly in my mind. I only want to be with you again, wherever that is. Gaven come back to me I beg you. I need your love; I need your presence in my life. I don’t want people to forget the magnificent soul you are. You are alive. Your soul and spirit are a part of God, just as I am, as we all are.
But my heart still breaks in fragile pieces because I cannot accept the change in my life. Life wasn’t perfect, but it was so much better with you in it, that I don’t know how to move forward. What can I possibly do now that will be joyful? I need drugs to survive.
Frankly, I wish I could take something to take this reality away and let me feel no pain, no memory of my greatest loss in the world. I truly loved my dad and each of my grandparents, but they had long lives and made their choices.
You have always been good and had more integrity than me or anybody you probably have every known. I shall cry your tears now, the tears you wouldn’t cry for yourself are mine. Your pain is my pain. I shall avenge your injustices as you are my son and I protect those I love.
You will continue to give me purpose, because my children gave me the reason to aspire for a better life; so they could have opportunity and security and a happy loving environment to thrive and grow. My life has stopped.
Each day the sun rises and the sun sets, but my heart only aches. I am glad you are not in pain and that you are happy. I hope this is true because you always have and always will deserve happiness. I give up mine for you to have happiness for yourself if that would make a difference.
I do not understand the judgment of others. People can be so ignorant and hurtful. I know I’ve been guilty of this myself. Now I see other people and realize they have lived lives I know nothing about because I do not know them.